The other day I was late for work. I won’t say how late, but let’s just say it was more than 20 minutes. Well, okay, more than 25 minutes… You get the picture.
Being on time has never come easy for me. In seventh grade I held the record for most tardies…29 in the first semester! My husband and I have a joke that if I die first he is going to start my funeral ten minutes late because everyone in attendance would expect it.
I know. I know what some of you are thinking. How do I know? Because I’m married to a man who, for the first ten years of our marriage, was convinced that my sole goal in life was to make him as late as possible to every event we attended. Convinced that I simply didn’t care.
Apparently, some of you were born with this internal clock that alerts you when time has passed. I have an internal clock, too. But the hands don’t ever move unless I look at a real clock. If I get into the shower at 7:00, my clock keeps chiming 7 until the hot water runs out and I realize I should check an actual clock. It really is pretty much a shock every time! I am an intelligent person, I just have a broken clock… Continue reading
“If we are not waiting for God to approve of me, then why can’t I feel His approval?”
~ The Journal (April 9, 2012)
It’s one thing to make an honest assessment of where you are. It’s another thing to figure out how to go where you want to be.
What started as an empty notebook where I poured my heart out on paper, turned into a several month long journaling journey. I handed the notebook to my pastor and he returned it with his written reply. I wrote again, he replied again.
In the very beginning, I tried to describe where I was on my journey. I said I had been at the top of a mountain, doing good and connected with God, when I got kicked and fell off the side. Before I could regain my footing, I got kicked again, and then another time. Before I knew it, I had tumbled to the bottom of the mountain with the realization that I had no idea how to get back to the top.
The truth that I now see is this: We are only truly on the solid ground of the mountain top when we are trusting and resting in the truth. No one can push you off the mountain. You allow them to move you by believing a lie. If I was so easily kicked off the mountain, I really wasn’t standing on solid ground to start off with. It was simply an illusion.
This season of journaling became the part of my journey where I navigated the rocky side of the mountain to climb to solid ground. At times it was precarious. There were jagged cliffs that I almost lost my grip trying to climb. There were times I fell flat on my face tripping over a rock in my path.
There was one “rock” I tripped over so many times that it almost completely stopped my journey. I so desperately wanted to feel God’s love and have an awareness of His presence. But no matter how much I tried to find Him, there seemed to be only silence and emptiness in return. I was plagued by the thought that maybe there wasn’t really a God. Continue reading